Psychology of relationships

She Is Too Independent

She Is Too Independent

Is independence a proof of power or weakness? Some women are pushing all potential partners away since they always say: “I will do it myself.” Others are not only independent but also know how to receive care. In what cases is independence toxic and when does it make our life and relationship brighter?

What’s wrong here?

There are such women who do everything themselves. Undoubtedly, it’s great if a person is financially independent and take care of themselves. Problems arise when a woman makes a cult of her independence and sticks to it. In order not to seem weak and dependent, she won’t even let buy a cup of coffee for her. Her “myself” means “because you will do worse.” With such a woman by his side, a man feels guilty by default, and a relationship is doomed.

The majority of women also can pay for themselves, but they don’t begin this fierce fight. If a man wants to pay for them or open a door in front of them – of course, why not? Yet, in some situations, a woman wants to say: “I’ll do it myself,” after which a man starts doubting the sincerity of her words. In this case, the motives may be the purest, for instance, because we know that he is very busy. Anyway, a man will be hurt by our rejection.

Another standpoint

Does it mean that a woman shouldn’t be independent at all? Definitely no. An independent woman means that there is more freedom, less compulsory expenses, and a possibility to build a common life together. However, it should be born in mind that any relationship is a balance between “take” and “give.” Thus, if a man is suggesting some resources a woman refuses to take, this balance may be distorted. It’s very unpleasant to feel that a partner gives nothing: no attention, no gifts, no obligations.

The same can be said about a partner. A man feels bad when a woman doesn’t accept his care and doesn’t let care for her. For instance, to meet at the airport, pay a receipt, or take part in making an important decision. He feels that she keeps the distance, though he doesn’t understand why. It’s necessary to remember this fact even if you aren’t in a relationship yet. Excessive independence may be exactly what hinders a woman to engage in a relationship: it seems that there is no place for a man in your heart and life.

To free some space for a caring partner, let’s see where the cult of independence emanates from. 

Development of independence

“On my own” is a great position of a confident woman. Until she starts disdaining her partner instead of respecting him. It is being formed as a person grows older, and we don’t always understand who we want to be independent of at the moment.

Everything starts at the age of 3 when a child wants to do something independently. Once parents don’t let a kid act independently, he/she will cry loudly. It’s an important stage of growing older, and it depends on our mother how successfully we will go through it.

The situation repeats in one’s teens. Teenagers reject everything parents and other adults offer, though they don’t know exactly what they want. Colored hair, tattoos, and antisocial behavior are examples of independent decisions teenagers are learning to make. It’s a normal stage of getting older, too. During this period, not only parents but also we ourselves are responsible for how we pass through it. The point is that we are already capable of thinking and making conclusions; but to make a completely mature independent decision, we will have to separate from parents.

What makes independence toxic?

Senseless competition

A woman wants to manifest her independence and creates a competition where it isn’t supposed to be. Either consciously or not, she sends a man a message: “Step away, I will do it better!” Also, it may be caused by an old offense, not necessarily for this man, but, for example, for parents or an ex. Then she keeps rejecting all his suggestions of care as if answering “I don’t need it anymore!”

A fear of debt

A relationship always implies that we will take something from each other. Thus, a fear of taking additional responsibility may make a woman distance from men. If I do everything myself, I owe nobody anything. It may be a result of upbringing or a previous relationship, in which a partner always reminded a woman that he’s done so much for her that she is in a life-long debt now.

A fear of becoming a burden

This point results from the previous one. A woman has no experience of good, often childhood bonding, in which she was cared about, and her emotional and other needs were satisfied. Deep inside her soul, there is a conviction that it’s hard to be with her, that’s why all signs of care seem unnatural to her. She thinks: “If I am a good girl who is convenient and asks for nothing, he will stay with me.”

It’s a pity, but usually, this story leads to a break-up. Either a woman is likely to notice that she receives nothing and will feel deceived, even though she’s rejected suggested care herself; either a man will feel not needed as a child whose help isn’t considered serious.

If a woman doesn’t let a man take care of herself, she is tying his hands. How else can he manifest his love if not by care? How can he feel strong if she can do everything herself? If you want to see a knight by your side, let him act as a hero.

Let him care about you

There is only one reason for “I will do it myself” that makes us happy. It’s “myself” because of abundance. I can pay for myself, but I will be glad if you do this. I can plan our vacation myself, but let’s do it together since it’s more fun. Or I will do it myself because I adore the process, not to reproach you.  

Thank God, women have got the freedom to decide how to look, where to work, and who to live with. However, the positions of being too independent may be both inspiring and destructive. If we are rejecting care and help because of subconscious principles, there is no strength in it. But we can easily offend people who wish us the best. Or we may fail to engage in a relationship at all.

Thus, if a man wants to meet you at the airport at night, let him do this. Also, don’t be shy to ask for it if he has forgotten to suggest it for some reason. Firstly, it’s pleasant. Secondly, we all need to feel that somebody needs us. Especially, if somebody strong needs us.  

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