You are an enthusiastic partner putting a lot of effort into a relationship with a beloved person, you always look for some sweet surprises and try to save them from conflicts and difficulties. Yet, your efforts are taken for granted and you receive either indifference or disdain in return. Is it possible to quit the trap of one-sided love? Let’s see what Jill Weber, a psychologist, suggests doing if this is the case.
A connection without reciprocity may have dramatic consequences for our mental and even physical health. Engaging in such a union, we cannot feel emotionally safe. We are constantly working on how to make our relationship function properly (as we believe it has to). This conflict causes stress while stress hormones evoke anxiety, sleeping problems, and irritation. One-sided relationships require enormous effort; yet, they last for a much longer period of time than needed.
Consider your love relationship: is it mutual? If not, start fighting the pattern you live within, with the help of the following techniques.
20 signs your relationship is one-sided
· you never feel safe;
· you are always trying to figure out the true motives of the partner’s behavior;
· you always feel you lack something;
· after communicating with a partner, you feel powerless and drained;
· you try to develop a relationship, make it deeper; but it’s senseless;
· you aren’t sincere with your partner about your feelings;
· you are the one trying to keep a relationship alive;
· you feel you have put too much into this relationship to quit it;
· you feel that your relationship is like a card castle;
· you are afraid to disappoint your partner or cause a conflict;
· your self-esteem depends on the stability of this relationship;
· you don’t feel that a partner knows and understands you well;
· you find excuses for your partner’s behavior;
· you are looking for emotional intimacy; instead, you have to be satisfied with brief moments of being alone;
· you don’t know for sure when you will meet or talk again, and it makes you worry;
· your attention is absolutely focused on the dynamics of your relationship so that you cannot think about other spheres of your life and be completely present in them;
· you enjoy the moments of communication with a partner, but after parting you feel lonely and desolate;
· you don’t develop as a personality;
· you aren’t sincere with your partner because their happiness is your top priority;
· once you express your opinion which differs from your partner’s, they turn away from you, which makes you believe that you are the only person causing problems in a relationship.
Are these statements true?
If these statements are true for you, start destroying the pattern. For this, ask yourself the following questions (make sure your answers are sincere):
· how long/often have you been repeating this model of a one-sided relationship?
· perhaps, one of your parents didn’t love you as a child?
· Can you imagine a relationship in which your needs are fully satisfied? How would you feel?
· what makes you work so hard on this doomed relationship and prevents you from moving to a more emotionally comfortable union?
· if your goal is to feel safe, try to find another way to satisfy this need;
· Imagine you’ve broken up. What other interesting and significant things could you start doing?
· Are one-sided relationships a proof of your low self-esteem? Do your partners and friends support your subconscious negative attitude to yourself?
· would it be right to say that you are working in vain, losing vital power, and receive nothing (or almost nothing) in return?
· what could give you move positive emotions and energy than this relationship?
· are you able to consciously track the moments when you’ve done too much to stop, give up, and let go?
It’s not easy to quit one-sided relationships; yet, it’s possible! The first step is to admit the fact that you engaged in this emotionally harmful union. Secondly, start looking for new possibilities so that you won’t depend on your partner if you need to satisfy your needs and feel well.
Why do you choose exactly this type of relationship?
You fall a victim to your ideal
If you are constantly choosing a “wrong” partner, you may have fallen a victim to the “projection trap” – false beliefs about another person’s thoughts and feelings. As psychotherapists explain, the projection effects are stronger when we admire the object of our love at a distance. It means that we don’t notice this person’s negative traits we would definitely notice if we co-habited and communicated every day.
Subconsciously, you like drama and a whirlpool of emotions
Some people like the process of chasing prey. It absorbs a person to such an extent that he/she is ready to suffer from one-sided love because they aren’t ready for a real relationship. For this category of people, fantasy becomes more important than reality. A prolonged chasing phase lets feel the romance which causes strong emotions diversifying the routine.
You are afraid of intimacy
Quite often, people avoid reciprocal love trying to protect themselves from inner pain. Fighting for one-sided love, they get deep emotions from a passionate feeling of being in love, at the same time avoiding any real responsibilities. Thus, a person finds an inner compromise: partially, he/she satisfies their need for intimacy without a risk of being hurt.
You aren’t ready to move forward
Predominantly, a fear of love is caused by a painful previous experience. In general, we are talking about sexual or emotional abuse. Sometimes, the reason is acute innate sensitivity.
In these situations, one-sided love may be an appealing variant that allows us to feel passion but not get absorbed in it. Such people are constantly heating their desires but never satisfy them completely.
However, psychologists believe it’s a bad practice to try to attract a person who doesn’t have the same feelings. A relationship may be successful only if both partners feel the same. No matter how hard it may seem, it’s vital to dig deep into our soul and understand what prevents us from finding true love.
Sure, you will have to risk and be vulnerable. But a relationship with a partner who really loves you is emotionally open and reliable, is worthy of all your efforts!